


Sleepless Nights

by RedWrights



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Derek "Nursey" Nurse is Unchill, Dex is an idiot and so is Nursey, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nursey has problems sleeping, use of cursing but that's it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-18 04:45:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedWrights/pseuds/RedWrights
Summary: It's the summer after Nursey's sophomore year, and he finds himself unable to fall asleep. This has nothing to do with his defensive partner who he absolutely does not have a crush on. Nothing at all.It’s the first night of summer break and Nursey is in his childhood bed glaring at the ceiling, wondering why his mind is refusing to let him sleep. Maybe it’s the incessant honking of taxis, maybe it’s the way the streetlamp shines directly through the slit in the curtains that can never be fully blocked. Maybe it’s the fact that the smell of cigarettes is filling his room from the assholes smoking on the stoop right below his window. Either way, Nursey’s done. He just wants to sleep, damn it. Heaving what he knows is an overly-dramatic sigh, he rolls onto his back and pulls the sheet over his head.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first full fic! It is an extension of my little word dump [here](https://chirpingisflirting.tumblr.com/post/158801939362/sleepless-nights). I hope you enjoy!

It’s the first night of summer break and Nursey is in his childhood bed glaring at the ceiling, wondering why his mind is refusing to let him sleep. Maybe it’s the incessant honking of taxis, maybe it’s the way the streetlamp shines directly through the slit in the curtains that can never be fully blocked. Maybe it’s the fact that the smell of cigarettes is filling his room from the assholes smoking on the stoop right below his window. Either way, Nursey’s done. He just wants to sleep, damn it. Heaving what he knows is an overly-dramatic sigh, he rolls onto his back and pulls the sheet over his head.

The phone’s light is harsh against Nursey’s eyes, but he squints at it anyway. 4:37 in the fucking morning. Nursey scowls and goes to Snapchat. If he can’t sleep, he might as well see how other people spent their first night of break. Ransom and Holster are unsurprisingly together, at a motel somewhere along the way to Ransom’s house on their post-graduation road trip. Bitty’s Snapstory shows a cute fully-equipped kitchen with a cobbler cooling on the counter; the timestamp says 1:12am. Farmer decided to practically livesnap her and Chowder’s trip to California, and the last photo is of Chowder passed out on the seat of a plane, captioned “we literally just boarded.” Shitty sent Nursey a series of videos at 12:43, smoking, ranting about a case he recently read, and telling Nursey to “get a night of some real sleep you fuckin’ beaut.” Nursey scoffs. Sleep. Right.

But then he gets to Dex’s Snapstory and is surprised to see a timestamp of 4:29am against a black background, captioned “It’s too early for this shit.” Nursey switches over to text and types with one eye open, hits send, and promptly drops his phone on his face.

 **Me:** too early for what?

Nursey isn’t expecting Dex to respond, but a few seconds later his phone buzzes against his nose from where he left it.

 **Dexyyy:** tf are you doing awake Nurse

 **Me:** idk man what are YOU doing awake

 **Dexyyy:** You’re gonna chirp me and it’s too early to be chirped.

 **Me:** awww dexy you take away all my fun

 **Me:** pinky promise i won’t

 **Dexyyy:** Ugh fine. It’s the beginning of lobster season. Gotta start waking up before the spirits go to sleep.

 **Me:** damnnn dex, cant catch a break can you

 **Dexyyyy:** You promised

 **Me:** that was hardly a chirp

 **Dexyyy:** Whatever

 **Dexyyy:** So what the fuck are you doing awake

 **Me:** lol

 **Me:** couldn’t sleep. Too many cars, too much light, too many thoughts

 **Dexyyy:** City boy.

 **Me:** is that supposed to be an insult?

 **Dexyyy:** Don’t know. Maybe?

 **Me:** gotta step up your game, poindexter

 **Dexyyy:** Shut up Nurse

 **Dexyyy:** I gotta go

 **Me:** have fun killing innocent life forms

 **Dexyyy:** Fuck off

 **Dexyyy:** Just go the duck to sleep nursey

 **Dexyyy:** *fuck. Ugh.

 **Me:** lolll

 **Me:** yessir

 **Me:** gnight

 **Dexyyy:** sleep well

 **Me:** zzzzz

It’s 4:48 in the morning. Nursey is contemplating just getting up and starting his day. The pre-dawn light is starting to filter into his room through the curtain, casting a hazy rectangle onto the wall. Nursey gazes at it, thinking about how somewhere a few hundred miles away, Dex is preparing to get on his uncle’s boat and spend the morning hours on the water. Nursey wonders if the sun looks different from Dex’s amber eyes than it does from his own grey-green ones. He closes his eyes, thinking about how he and Dex went from nearly killing each other during the seniors’ graduation ceremony, to texting before the sun came up.

When Nursey opens his eyes, six hours have passed. He stumbles out of bed and stretches until his shoulder pops. Glancing at his phone, he sees three texts from Dex: the first two are sent at 6:26 in the morning, and the last at 11:39.

 **Dexyyy:** Don’t tell Jack but I’d almost rather be doing suicides than fucking fishing for lobster. I smell like bait.

 **Dexyyy:** Didn’t realize how used to cushy college life I’d gotten. I’m getting new blisters.

 **Dexyyy:** Are you still asleep

Nursey realizes he’s smiling at his phone. And since it’s the first day of break and he has nothing to do all day, he’s pressing the call button before he can talk himself out of it. Dex picks up on the third ring.

“Dex!”

“Finally get your ass out of bed?”

“You realize that you have to text me every night now? So I can go to sleep? I only was able to sleep because you told me to.”

“Nursey, what the fuck.”

“C’mon man.”

“No.”

And then they’re off, Nursey asking about Dex’s morning and listening to Dex complain about ‘going soft’ during the year while Nursey rolls his eyes and gets dressed, then Dex grouching about how Nursey doesn’t have anything to do for the summer, and an hour later Nursey finds himself booking bus tickets up to Maine while talking about how they’re going to celebrate Chowder’s birthday that year. He pauses just before hitting the ‘book tickets’ button.

“Dex.”

“Yes?”

“Uh. You sure it’s cool if I come up? I mean, like, dude, this isn’t really…”

“What we do?”

“Yeah.”

“Well. I don’t know. Maybe we should try being friends without Chowder playing middleman. And, we’re going to be living together next year, so...might as well give it a test run.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s chill.”

“Ugh, if you say ‘chill’ ONCE I will throw you off a pier.”

“You just want to see me wet.” (Nursey nearly smacks himself for that one.)

“Fuck off, Nurse. We literally see each other soaked in sweat like six days a week.”

“Okay, well, tickets are booked.”

“‘Swawesome. See you in a few days?”

“Yeah man, see you soon.”

And then Nursey is left in a New York City brownstone grinning madly in the middle of his room, thinking how much better this summer has suddenly become.

 

\------------------

 

Nursey’s bus leaves for Maine at 9:45am from Port Authority, and Nursey finds himself sprinting through the uptown building at 9:40 after initially going to the wrong gate. His duffle bag bounces against his side as he clambers down the escalator, finally arriving two minutes before the bus is supposed to depart. He hands his ticket to a very bored-looking driver, and hauls himself onto the bus. He finds a seat near the middle, because if there’s anything Nursey hates (and yes, there is a lot, even if he will never admit it his chill is completely fake), it’s the smell of port-a-potties and the incessant hum of overworked engines. Stowing his bag overhead, Nursey finally drops into his seat and lets out a long breath.

 **Me:** made it :)

 **Dexyyy:** Proud of you.

 **Dexyyy:** What’s your ETA again?

 **Me:** supposed to be around 7:30 I think? Bus takes fucking forever. Stops and shit

 **Dexyyy:** Stops and shit.

 **Dexyyy:** Right.

 **Dexyyy:** Got it.

The bus leaves five minutes late. Nursey puts his headphones on and stares out of the window at the passing buildings. The bus meanders through the city, lurching through the Thursday mid-morning traffic. Nursey finds himself thinking about how everyone he sees is the center of their own universe, has had their own lives that will soon be forgotten, stories that will never be told. _Sonder_ , murmurs his brain. Nursey switches the song.

30 minutes later and the bus finally trundles out of Manhattan, picking up speed as the traffic lengthens out to create an ever-moving ribbon flying down the road. Nursey’s Spotify is on a metal kick, and he goes to change it to his running playlist, but sees that he has a missed text from Dex.

 **Dexyyy:** Ma wants to know what you want for dinner. I told her about your allergies, but I forgot if you like burgers or beef stew more.

 **Me:** mmm stew sounds great but burgers are probably easier

 **Dexyyy:** Okay but which one would you prefer?

 **Me:** oh my god decisionsssss

 **Me:** why do you do this to me

 **Dexyyy:** Nurse just pick a food

 **Me:**...stew

 **Dexyyy:** Fuck yes

 **Me:** lolll

Nursey spends the next three hours alternating between reading Holster’s accounts of his and Ransom’s adventures (which are increasingly entertaining and implausible), scrolling through Instagram (and rolling his eyes the photos posted by his Andover classmates), and staring out at the passing scenery. He eats a quick lunch, gulps down a bottle of water, and naps. He jolts awake when a song from his angsty teenage days blasts through his headphones, and somehow manages to make it to the bathroom and back without faceplanting in the middle of the aisle. Nursey glares at his phone when it tells him that it is only 3:26. Four more hours. His butt is going numb.

 **Me:** dexxxxx

 **Dexyyy:** What’s up?

 **Me:** im boreddddd

 **Dexyyy:** Well, I can’t help you with that

 **Dexyyy:** Remind me why you decided to take the bus and not Amtrak? It takes like 6 hours on the train, the bus takes almost 10.

 **Me:** idk

 **Me:** i thought it would be prettier

 **Me:** more whimsical

 **Dexyyy:** Oh my god you’re such a poet

 **Me:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **Dexyyy:** NURSEY

 **Me:** yeeeessss?

 **Me:** tis my name

 **Dexyyy:** Oh my god I can’t believe I willingly invited you to stay with me for a week. What was I thinking???

 **Me:** dunno man

 **Me:** but I’m excited

 **Dexyyy:** Yeah I kinda am too.

 **Me:** TO GET OFF THIS BUS

 **Dexyyy:** You suck.

 **Me:** you love me

 **Dexyyy:** Do I

 **Dexyyy:** Do I though

 **Me:** :)

 **Dexyyy:** Anyway

 **Dexyyy:** I have to go to the store because Ma forgot to get potatoes for the stew, so I’ll text you in a bit

 **Me:** drive safe!

 **Dexyyy:** Thanks.

Nursey drops his phone into his lap and tells himself to stop grinning like an idiot. Four more hours until he gets to see Dex, four more hours until what he knows is going to be the best week of his summer, four more hours until he can get off this fucking bus. Spotify chooses to play Sam Cooke’s _What a Wonderful World_.

 **Dexyyy:** I’m at the store, do you want anything while I’m here?

 **Me:** edibles

 **Dexyyy:** If only

 **Me:** could you get me a few vitamin waters or something?

 **Dexyyy:** The pink ones?

 **Dexyyy:** Power-C?

 **Me:** yessss

 **Dexyyy:** Ok, will do.

 **Me:** thanks, I’ll venmo you now

 **Dexyyy:** Great.

 **Dexyyy:** How’s the ride?

 **Me:** Dex

 **Me:** I am. So. Bored.

 **Dexyyy:** Write something?

 **Dexyyy:** Oh wait, you can’t write in moving vehicles.

 **Me:** yeah :(

 **Dexyyy:** Can’t you type it on your phone or something?

 **Me:** idk it doesn’t work as well, I feel like I don’t usually like what I end up writing, you know?

 **Dexyyy:** Yeah I kinda get it.

 **Dexyyy:** I guess. 

Three hours later, exhaustion hits Nursey like a truck. Dex texts him to let him know that he’s leaving his house to make the hour-long drive to get Nursey from the bus stop, and Nursey valiantly tries to nap again but he is listless and dehydrated from being on the bus for nine hours. He checks his phone every 15 minutes and each time only five have passed, and the sun seems stuck in place, hovering over the edge of the world but refusing to go down. Time passes slower than when you’re high, and ten times more aggravatingly. But finally, _finally_ , they’re pulling off of the main highway and onto a slower, smaller road, past a tiny picturesque town, and eventually coming to a stop in a parking lot. Nursey can see Dex leaning against his rusted blue pickup and suddenly his heart is in his mouth. He shoots out of his seat and grabs his stuff, waddles down the aisle, thanks the bus driver, and trips down the stairs. Dex is laughing at him from where his is standing, and Nursey attempts to flip him off but ends up dropping his duffel and his phone, making Dex laugh harder.

“C’mon Nurse, Ma’s stew is waiting, we don’t have time for you to be a walking mess." 

“Hello to you too, Dex,” Nursey grumbles as he picks up his things.

“Mm. How’s your ass?”

“Still fine as hell.” Dex glares at him, and Nursey switches to whining. “After sitting on it for that long, I’m surprised it’s not flat.”

“We’ve had roadies that take almost as long to get to.”

“Yeah but when you’re with the team, everything is so much more fun." 

“True.” 

Dex grabs him into a brief hug, catching Nursey by surprise. Dex never initiates hugs, but then again, Dex has never even suggested that anyone is allowed near or in his house. Pondering Dex’s sudden bout of friendliness, Nursey throws his duffel into the back row and climbs up into the passenger seat. Dex starts his car and rolls the windows down before driving out of the parking lot and onto a small country road. The air is sweet, lighter than what Nursey is used to. He takes a minute to just breathe, getting used to the quiet noise of wheels turning on the tar, the wind rushing past, music drifting quietly out of the car’s speakers. The sun has long since set and the world is in that liminal state between day and night. The perfect time for poetry. Nursey is too tired.

They don’t talk for the hour-long ride back to Dex’s house, Dex content to focus on the road, and Nursey content to focus on Dex. He doesn’t know when he first started seeing calm in his defensive partner -- he didn’t think it was possible -- but more and more he’s been seeing Dex as a person rather than a flame. It’s nice, and he’s excited to live with him for the next two years. Nursey figures that he must be really, really tired, if he’s allowing himself to think like this.

It’s fully dark by the time they reach Dex’s house, and the light emanating from the windows casts a hazy beam on the lawn. It’s a small two-story house, with a sagging porch and chipped paint, but it looks cozy and loved. Dex kills the engine but makes no move to get out. He looks like he is trying to figure out how to say something, and Nursey waits despite his hunger and desire for sleep. After a beat, Dex breathes out.

“Listen, I’m sorry in advance if anything is weird, but...this town isn’t Samwell. It’s not New York. So, I’m sorry if my family...y’know. It’s going to be a lot like I was the first year, unless we just don’t talk about certain things. Don’t, like...just don’t bring up anything political or anything activisty. And, shit, that sounds awful but, it’s best for here.” Dex glances at Nursey and he can see guilt in his eyes. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right, man. I mean, it’s not really, but I’ll do my best for now.” Nursey sees Dex visibly relax, and continues, “Plus, I don’t want to get kicked out before tasting Ma Poindexter’s amazing stew.” That gets a chuckle from Dex, and then he grabs Nursey’s duffel from the back seat and jumps down from the truck. Nursey follows him up the worn path to the house, and Dex turns back to look at him briefly before unlocking the door.

Meeting Dex’s family, the tour of the house, and dinner passes in a haze for Nursey. He knows that the stew was amazing, he knows he is surprised that Dex’s brother doesn’t have red hair and that Dex’s mother is taller than his father, he knows that he is welcomed as a friend of Dex’s but treated only as a guest. He knows that he reverts back to some of his Andover ways (his white-people parent-pleasing ways), and he knows that Dex is frowning at his changed behavior. But Nursey is too tired to deal with anything, and dinner finishes late at nearly 10. Dex leads Nursey up to his room, where an air mattress has been set up next to Dex’s bed. They get ready for sleep, switching off in the single house bathroom in the rhythm they established for roadies. Dex sets an alarm for 4:30am (“Why, Dex, why.” “I have to work, Nursey. You can sleep in, I’m not expecting your ass to last on a boat for more than five minutes.”) while Nursey smushes his face into his pillow. Nursey decides that he has never been more excited to sleep.

It’s not until he turns onto his back that Nursey notices the glow-in-the-dark stars pasted onto the ceiling, and great, here is a problem. The light from the stars is nothing like the street lamp outside of Nursey’s window at home, and he knows that they will fade out soon, but they are somehow distracting nonetheless. That, coupled with the fact that Nursey is suddenly bombarded with vivid images of a young Dex staring up at the green constellations at night, wakes him up more than any amount of caffeine from Annie’s could. He is suddenly painfully aware of how he can hear Dex’s brother snoring through the thin walls, and the heat in Dex’s room is stifling. Dex had apologized for not having an AC in his room, saying that it gets too expensive and he’s learned to live with it. Nursey hadn’t given it another thought, but now he can fully appreciate the perpetual coolness of his room at home. He shifts onto his side, and then flips onto the other, trying not to make too much noise but suddenly unable to get comfortable. After five minutes of waiting to fall asleep, Nursey sits up and stares at the offending stickers, sighing deeply. He assumes that Dex is asleep -- the boy can pass out anywhere, much like Chowder -- and so he startles when Dex’s whisper-shout comes out of the gloom.

“Nurse, why the hell aren’t you asleep?”

“I don’t fucking know, Dex. I want to go to sleep, it’s not like I’m like, ‘oh yeah, let’s just stay up all fucking night!’” Nursey responds.

“Well, what the fuck do you need?”

“I dunno!”

“Jesus Christ, I have to be up in six hours, I am not dealing with this,” and then flying out of the darkness comes a pillow. He catches it full in the face, and it startles him enough that he flops backwards. Dex’s disembodied chuckle sounds through the room.

“The fuck was that for, man?”

“I dunno, it was just really satisfying to throw something at you.”

“Fuck you, Dex. I did not sign up for this.”

“Too bad, Nurse. You can’t get home unless I drive you to the bus stop, so you’re stuck with me until I get sick of you. Or next week, whichever comes first.”

“You don’t think you’ll be sick of me before that?” Nursey asks incredulously.

“Meh, we’ll see. Now go to sleep, Nursey, seriously, before I come knock you out.”

“How are we ever going to live together?”

“I’m sure we’ll find a way. I’m sure as hell not moving out of the Haus.”

“Except for graduation.”

“Yeah. Except for graduation.” A pause. “Great, now you made the whole thing sad.”

“Sorry,” Nursey says, and means it.

“Yeah okay, well, great talk. Now go to sleep. 

Nursey heaves yet another a put-upon sigh and lays back, sandwiching his head between the two pillows. The top one smells like Dex, and Nursey finds his breathing slowing as he takes in the new but not unfamiliar smell. The glowing stickers become a distant thought, and Nursey feels himself slowly being swallowed by a welcome sensation -- _comfort_ , his tired mind supplies. _Comfort and calm_ , it says. _Dex_ , it breathes. Nursey falls down, down, down, to sleep.

 

\------------------

 

The night before Nursey’s week in Maine ends, he and Dex get drunk off of beer that Dex had bugged his brother into buying. Nursey hates beer, but decides that he will never touch hard liquor again if he gets to spend every lazy summer night sitting outside on a threadbare quilt and competing to find the first shooting star. It only takes him two minutes of half-assed internal discussion to give up on convincing himself that this contented feeling had nothing to do with the way that Dex’s shoulders relax as the minutes pass, or how close he is to Nursey on the blanket.

Nursey knows that he wasn’t going to get over this crush anytime soon. He went from hating Dex, to figuring out how to get Dex riled up with a few words, to realizing that Dex just had different experiences, to recognizing that Dex was willing to listen and learn (although never without pushing back), and all of a sudden he had found himself wishing to stop regarding Dex as a “friend” and start thinking of him as a “boyfriend.” Dex’s reaction to having to share Lardo’s dibs hurt, but Nursey’s crush on his teammate was already getting into the painful part of unrequited feelings. Living together wouldn’t -- _couldn’t_ \-- be much more impossible. Plus, Nursey had heard somewhere that people fall out of love for the same reasons they fall in love (not _love_ , Derek. It’s not love...yet). Maybe living with Dex would give Nursey the ability to stop crushing on him.

But for now, Nursey decides that he is going to be masochistic as fuck. He’s already spent a week living with Dex, and he knows that they will continue texting over the summer. Plus, he’s drunk, the stars are making him sentimental, and on top of that, the recently graduated seniors have decided to start up a discussion in the group chat regarding who was going to take over Hockey Shit -- so Nursey turns to Dex and demands that they skype every week “so that I can try to help you maintain some level of chill, man. Plus, like, roommate bonding.” Dex rolls his eyes, drains his beer, and let out a burp that Nursey refuses to say was impressive, before answering with, “Sure, whatever. I’ll need the distraction.” They agree that they will talk every Tuesday and Friday after dinner, and Nursey absolutely does not let himself think that they will be like Skype dates, no way, Dex just wants to have more reasons to chirp him. 

The next morning, Dex’s father wakes them up and says that he’ll drive them to the bus stop, because some relative in a nearby town needs help installing their dryer, and “Junior, from what I hear you’ve become an expert at fixing laundry machines.” Dex rolls his eyes at his father, and then rolls his eyes at Nursey who can’t seem to stop snickering at him. They pile into Dex’s father’s car, and Dex sits with Nursey in the back. The hour-long drive seems to take only a few minutes, and the all-too familiar tightness in Nursey’s chest grows as the parking lot comes into view. An awkward silence descends, and a few minutes later the bus trundles into the lot. Nursey slowly opens his door and Dex jumps out after him, yelling about how he forgot his printed ticket on his seat, “you dumbass.” They walk to the bus together, and as the driver checks Nursey’s ticket, Nursey pulls Dex into a hug. Dex awkwardly pats him on the back, but Nursey can’t seem to release his arms. Hesitantly, Dex relaxes into the hug, letting his hand settle on Nursey’s back, and Nursey really, really doesn’t want to go home. But then the driver clears his throat just at the same time as Dex’s father leans on his horn, and Dex stiffens up before jumping away from Nursey.

“Well, uh, have a good ride.”

“Yeah, thanks Poindexter.”

“You have water?”

“Yep.”

“Uh, good. And your phone is charged?”

“Mhm." 

“You have everything, yeah? Didn’t forget anything?”

“Jesus, man, I already have two moms, I don’t need another!”

“First of all, what would Shitty say to that? Second, fuck off. I just, um…” Dex’s father honks the horn in short, agitated bursts, and Dex starts walking quickly back to the car. “I gotta go, have a safe ride!" 

“See ya on Tuesday, Dexy!” 

“Yeah, see you on Skype. Bye!”

Nursey spends a pitifully long amount of the ten-hour bus ride thinking of how Dex’s body relaxed into his, and as much as he wants to waste some of the hours on a nap, he can’t seem to go to sleep.

Three days later, they have to cancel their first Tuesday Not-A-Date Skype session. Nursey had stayed up until 6 in the morning after being struck by sudden inspiration to write, and subsequently spent too much time yawning to be able to talk. Then on Friday Dex texts Nursey, saying that his aunt has gotten sick and he is in charge of making dinner for his cousins and getting them to sleep, and can’t skype. Nursey demands that they reschedule for Sunday at 8PM and then tries very hard not to imagine an older Dex reading bedtime stories to children with red hair. Maybe this is becoming more than just a crush. Fuck.

Saturday crawls by and Nursey spends his weekend revising the results of his Monday-Tuesday writing dump. Sunday afternoon finds him in the kitchen of his quiet brownstone, standing at the island hunched over a piece of paper with illegible red ink scrawled over the beginnings of a poem while lentil stew heats up in the microwave. Nursey is struggling with a particularly annoying line -- “our eyes are open to that which the darkness shines upon and still we remain unwilling to turn on the light” -- when his phone buzzes with an incoming text, and then again and again and again. Nursey caps his pen and reaches for his phone just as the microwave beeps. The group chat can wait a few seconds; food takes priority.

After successfully burning his fingertips on the dish and then immediately burning his tongue with hot lentils, Nursey finally checks his texts. It isn’t the group chat, but the messages are just as confusing.

 **Dexyyy:** Derek cn we skupe now

 **Dexyyy:** Please i need u

 **Dexyyy:** Or soe one to talk t now

 **Dexyyy:** Sorry m hands r shaking

 **Dexyyy:** Fuck sorry

The last two texts, combined with the fact that Dex never misspells words this much over text, and _never_ calls him Derek, has Nursey smashing the Skype app on his phone and tapping on Dex’s name as soon as the app opens.

“Dex, hey, what’s up?” Nursey asks immediately. Then he gets a good look at Dex, who seems like he is having trouble forming words, what with the way he is alternating between choking out sounds and drawing his lips tightly closed. Dex is apparently seated on his bed and is holding his phone, and after a second the screen starts shaking and Dex’s face gets blurry and Nursey realizes that Dex’s hands are shaking, _really shaking, fuck_ , and -- “Dex, bro, shit. Take a breath!”

Dex inhales quickly, and hiccups on a short exhale before drawing in a longer, choking breath. Nursey’s heart rate picks up and he finds himself curling in towards the phone, almost as if he is curling around Dex himself. It takes a few minutes of Nursey leading Dex through their post-workout breathing exercise, but eventually the screen slowly stops shaking, and Dex’s breathing starts sounding more normal. Nursey stares at the small screen on his phone, and hates what he sees. 

Dex looks frightened and sickly pale. His eyes are huge, like a terrified animal’s, and bright through the phone in a way that they never are. Nursey feels his gut clench, and his heart cries.

“Dex,” Nursey says softly. “Are you okay?”

Dex nods, and then shakes his head. A silent sob tears through him, making his whole body jump, and the screen shakes again. He seems to realize this, and holds up a finger before disconnecting the call. Derek stares at the blank screen as his reflection looks up at him, demanding to know what is going on and why he isn’t helping Dex. A few seconds later, Skype alerts him to an incoming call from Dex, and he accepts immediately. It seems that Dex switched to his computer, because now Nursey can see both of Dex’s hands and the first thing he notices is the thumbnail bloodied from biting, a nervous habit of Dex’s that he knows his defensive partner has been trying to stop.

“Nursey,” Dex croaks, and Nursey’s eyes whip to Dex’s face.

“Dex, are you okay?" 

“I…” Another silent sob. “I don’t know.” A pause. “I think so?” He doesn’t sound sure. At all.

“Are you safe?”

“Yeah. I...yeah, I am.” 

“What happened?”

"Uh, uhm, I just - I mean, I - my dad - God, oh my God, fuck." Dex scrubs at his face with his hands, and presses the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I just talked to my dad, and I, fuck, I told him - that, that -" Another shuddering, painful breath.

“Dex?”

“I told hi-” Dex lifts his head from his hands, and stares through the screen at Nursey half in horror and still half in absolute sadness. "...you don't know. I haven't, God, I haven't even told..."

“Hey, it’s okay. You’re gonna be okay, Dex. Just, tell me man, please. Are you safe? What happened?" 

Dex stares at Nursey, his body caving impossibly more inwards and his hands coming around his middle as if to give himself a hug. He lets out a huge, shuddering breath, and visibly steels himself to talk. Nursey firmly shuts his mouth.

"Fuck, Christ, I'm a fucking mess. I just told…”

And then the unexpected comes pouring faintly through Nursey’s iPhone speakers.

"I just came out to my dad." 

 _What?_ Nursey thinks, and then a half-second later realizes he said that aloud as Dex is now looking down, an embarrassed flush covering his cheeks. _Color_ , Nursey’s subconscious says, this time definitely not aloud. _Color is good_.

"I forgot I hadn't told you. Sorry,” Dex says, and Nursey opens his mouth to tell him to never apologize to him again, _shit_ , but Dex beats him to it. "Fuck. Not sorry, I'm not sorry, I just - I'm a mess and I can't think straight and I just want, I don't know. Fuck.

"So yeah, I'm bi, and I just came out to my dad and it was, like, fucking Christ, it was shit. Fuck. Nursey, I. 

"I don't know. Like, he didn't really say anything? Or do anything? Well he did, but not really bad? Or not too bad? He just looked so disgusted, and made this awful noise in the back of his throat, and said he didn’t have time to deal with it, and, I mean, I think it's gonna be ok, but fuck I can't stop shaking and my chest hurts and I'm cold but it's summer and it’s hot and god I just want to be at the Haus. Fuck. Fucking...just...why couldn't I have said it better? Or just...not?” Dex’s breathing has picked up again and he is clearly trembling and Nursey feels like he is underwater, but he realizes that his own voice is cutting through the static in his brain.

“Dex, Will, it’s gonna be okay, I promise you, you’re going to be okay.”

“I don’t -” and then Dex lets out a huge sob, buries his face in his hands again, and Nursey aches.

“Do you need me to come get you?” A shake of the head. “Are you safe?” A nod. “You sure?” Another nod. Nursey breathes a bit more easily. “Can you...you’re okay there? You can stay?” A pause and then slowly, too slowly but there all the same, a nod. Nursey’s fist, which he didn’t realize he had made, relaxes and his fingers protest, but he doesn’t care. 

“Okay, good. Well, first, thank you for telling me and all that, and that you called me. If there is anything, Dex, _anything_ I can do or that you need me to do, tell me. Just, go, like, get a glass of water, watch your favorite movie, or something. Or I can stay on the phone if you need? I dunno. I’m sorry that your coming out didn’t go well. It fucking sucks, but I’m so proud of you Dex. You’re amazing, man, and I am so proud of you. Do you need me to do anything?”

“No, I think…” Dex begins quitely, and looks up again. “I think I’m okay. Thanks for being here for me. And for talking to me. I think I just need to be alone for a bit? A movie sounds good.”

“Okay, but text me if you need anything, okay?”

“Yeah, I will.” 

“Okay. I got your back, always.” 

“Thanks, Nursey.”

“Of course, Dex. And, I’m sorry, again, but thanks for trusting me. With this.”

Dex gives him a small smile, and Nursey feels some of the tension in his back release. They look at each other through their respective screens for another few seconds, and then Dex reaches forward and ends the call. 

Nursey lets out a huge breath and looks unseeingly around the kitchen. He and Dex have had endless arguments about privilege. Dex can’t seem to wrap his head around the fact that his skin color immediately makes him safer, more successful, and more human in some people’s eyes. Nursey gets that his money has granted him experiences that Dex will never have. But after that conversation, after seeing Dex’s pale, pale face, and hearing his voice shake from something other than anger, Nursey realizes that he has something else: unconditional love.

Nursey has never wanted to be with Dex more. And yet, he’s stuck in his stupid apartment in the middle of fucking Manhattan with some goddamn words on a paper and reheated lentils from his meal last night. He shoves a spoonful of the stuff into his mouth and wants to spit it out. It’s cold, cold and tasteless, and he just wants a hug, wants to go to Dex and demand a hug, wants to go to Dex and demand that he gives him a hug, but he can’t, he fucking can’t. He opens his phone again and shoots Bitty a text, asking him to send Dex a care package of his favorite pies and cookies, that he will Venmo Bitty all the money he needs. Then he switches to his messages with Chowder and asks what books they might need for their programming class in the coming semester. He knows that Dex will kill him for throwing around his money, but he needs to do something. It’s as much for him as it is for Dex. This is what he can do in this moment. This is all he knows how to do for the moment.

Except…

Nursey stares at the paper on the countertop. The red ink swims on the page, taunting him with its vibrancy. He tried to use the color red in a poem once, to describe Dex, but realized that Dex isn’t red. Despite all his attempts, Nursey has never been able to write a poem about Dex.

But for Dex? Maybe. Dex has read his poetry once before, when they got high and Dex had admitted to really liking his poetry unit in middle school, but his friends had told him that poetry was a girly thing. Nursey had shown Dex his final portfolio from his class the previous semester, and they had sat together for an hour pouring over the pages. Nursey had never asked Dex if he understood it, and they hadn’t talked about it afterwards, but Dex had seemed to like it.

Nursey trashes his now-cool lentils, grabs his phone, and trudges back upstairs to his room. He sits at his desk and pulls out his journal, the one he uses when he has to write through an issue he is facing. The last entry was from the break two months ago, when someone on the train next to him had turned to their friend and loudly started talking about how black people and immigrants were ruining America, side-eyeing Nursey the entire time. Nursey rips out a page, grabs his favorite pen, and starts to write. He keeps it short, full of simple metaphors. It’s something Dex will understand. Something Nursey knows that he will appreciate, more than the care package, more than the textbooks that will show up in his mailbox once Chowder writes back. Nursey lays the paper out on his desk and takes a photo with his camera. He sends the image to Dex, turns the ringer on, and climbs into bed. He lays there numbly for hours, missing dinner and not really thinking about anything, just staring up at his ceiling while the city hushes around him. Bitty eventually texts back with a list of things he is going to make along with the approximate cost and a “good luck, hon,” and Chowder tells him the name of two textbooks. Dex doesn’t write back. Nursey finally drifts off as a church bell nearby rings out 2 tolls for the time, and slips into a restless sleep.

 

\------------------

 

Four days before preseason training for athletes begins, Dex makes the drive down to New York City to pick up Nursey and all of his stuff. It had been Dex who suggested it, claiming that Nursey’s increasingly whiny texts about how much stuff he had to bring were driving him slowly insane.

“Jesus, Nurse. I get it, you have a fuck ton of stuff, whatever. Can’t your parents drive you up?” he had said on one Friday during their Not-A-Date Skype session.

“Nah, Mom has a conference in Seattle to go to, and Mama has an interview for her promotion.”

“Well how are you gonna get all your crap to Samwell? On the train?” 

“I dunno, I figured I’d ship most of it.”

“You’re gonna forget, like, half of it.” 

“Chyeah, probably. It’s whatever, I’ll get them to send it up.”

“Jesus, Nursey.” 

“Chill, man.” 

“...I’m not even going...just...okay, you know what, I have a few days off before school, and you promised to take me to that cookie place on 18th street, so I’m gonna come down and drive your sorry ass and all your shit to school.” 

“Desperate to see me, hmm?” Nursey winked, and Dex blushed while rolling his eyes.

“Just trying to save your ass. Plus we can take your mini fridge up with us.”

“Good thinking, Dexy.”

“Someone’s gotta do it." 

“Ouch.”

“You’ll live.”

So Dex had driven his truck down to New York and had managed to find a place to park it on the street, the only caveat being that he had to move it at 7am on the weekdays for the street cleaner (“Stupid fucking rules in this stupid fucking city with its stupid fucking street cleaners that don’t fucking clean shit.” “That just life in the big city, man.”). They had gone to City Cakes for the promised cookies, complained about tourists in Washington Square, gone to the Museum of Natural History so that they could both geek out over the Planetarium while chirping each other’s dazed looks, and ran around the reservoir every morning, too early for Nursey’s liking. Dex helped Nursey pack into boxes and suitcases, complaining about everything he was bringing, and making lists of things they would need to get for their room in the Haus. They’ve agreed to get another mattress and dresser from the nearby Walmart the day after getting back from Samwell, and that Dex will use Bitty’s blow-up mattress for the first night, a result of a game of rock-paper-scissors that left Dex’s face red for thirty minutes and his voice hoarse from yelling. It’s the most relaxed Nursey has felt all summer, aside from his visit to Maine and a weekend trip with his moms to Iceland.

They finally leave New York at 9 in the morning to make the trip to Samwell. Nursey and Dex’s boxes are securely stowed in the bed and back seats of Dex’s truck, and Nursey has commandeered the aux cord in exchange for paying for gas. They chat about the upcoming season, how excited they are to see everyone, what they think Bitty will bake first, and how they’re going to figure out sharing a bathroom among three varsity athletes on the same team. Nursey has launched into a story from his Iceland trip with his moms and is describing the bed and breakfast they stayed in when he notices that Dex’s demeanor has changed.

“Hey, you good? Do you have to pee or something?”

“No, just...I don’t think I ever thanked you for talking to me the night that…” 

Oh. They hadn’t talked about it, aside from a short text saying “ _thanks”_ from Dex once the care package arrived, and a “ _no problem, don’t get a stomach ache, and feel better”_ from Nursey.

“Don’t thank me, seriously. It was, uh, I get that it was a lot, and scary, and I’m really glad that you felt - feel - comfortable enough with me to have called me. That, it’s, that means a lot, Dex. And I’m proud of you.”

“I...yeah. I mean, you’re my closest friend, and Chowder, but I dunno, you were the first person I thought of.”

“Well, thanks man.” Nursey smiles over at Dex, who flashes a small smile at him in return.

“I never told you what really happened, I guess. I mean, there’s not much to tell. We, uh, didn’t really talk about it. My dad seems fine with it, I think? He, ugh, he texted me the next day about it. Told me to not act obnoxiously gay, which, what the fuck. It’s like he didn’t even listen to me. And also who I should and shouldn’t have sex with, like in terms of guys and their sexuality, and, he said, ‘certain types of people,’ which, also. Just, no.”

“Fuck, that’s...I’m sorry, that’s really shitty.”

“Yeah, it is. I mean, it’s better than it could have been. I kinda assumed he already knew from, uh…” Dex’s neck goes splotchy, and Nursey turns fully in his seat towards him. The color rises to Dex’s face. “Never mind.” 

“From what, man? I mean, I had no clue, until you told me.”

“I said never mind, Nurse,” Dex says sharply.

“Okay, sorry.” 

“It’s fine, doesn’t matter. Anyway, I get that it could have been worse. I don’t think I ever expected him to kick me out or anything. And, like, it was really awkward the first few days, but it got better. We just...don’t talk about it. And, I’m not allowed to tell the rest of my family, or bring a guy home unless it’s end-goal type shit.” 

Nursey scoffs, and Dex rolls his eyes in agreement.

“Well as I said, I’m really proud of you.”

“Thanks, Nurse.” They fall back into silence for another few minutes. Nursey breaks through the calm again. 

“Can I ask…” Dex raises an eyebrow, eyes still on the road. “Like, I didn’t really come out to my parents. It just wasn’t necessary. I brought a boy home for dinner one day, kissed him goodbye at the door afterwards, the end.” Nursey looks over to see that Dex’s ears and neck have turned red again, and continues talking, eyes tracing the blush as it creeps up to his cheeks. “What...I dunno. What made you come out this summer?”

“Do I have to answer this?” Dex groans, not looking at Nursey. His face is fully pink.

“No, sorry, I know it was invasive. I was just curious.” 

“Uh, I mean…kinda yeah but. It’s the same reason I thought my dad knew, honestly.”

“Really?” Nursey sits up straighter. Dex looks like he is having an internal war with himself, and Nursey’s interest is piqued. After a minute, Dex sighs, and his jaw tightens.

“So, like, I kinda started to like this, uh, boy - guy,” Dex grits out. Nursey feels his eyebrows shoot up, and his stomach drops.

“Who? Are you dating him?” 

“No.” 

“Do you wanna?” 

“Well, yeah, obviously.”

“Then ask him!” 

“It’s not that easy.” 

“Why? Is he straight?”

“...no.”

“Well, then, what’s the matter?" 

“The problem is who he is.”

“Wow, okay, you’re making this into a riddle, which, hashtag rude. Just tell me!”

“I can’t.”

“Come on, man. I wanna have dibs on chirping material. Who is it?”

Nursey is aware of the fact that he is leaning forward over the center console and the seatbelt is digging into his chest. He is absolutely in Dex’s space, which means that there is no way he misses how Dex’s eyes turn to look at him for a second too long for someone who is driving, then shift down to Nursey’s lips before turning quickly back to the road. Nursey blinks and pulls back into his own space, feeling like Dex has knocked the air out of him, despite none of their fights having actually come to blows. 

He watches, dazed, as Dex signals to turn off to a gas station, at how Dex’s blush seems to overwhelm the lighter-colored freckles. Pieces of the summer start coming together. How Dex had no problem with him coming up to Maine, despite having been so upset at the prospect of having to share a room with Nursey. How Dex had sat close to him on the quilt under the stars, even though they could have easily fit a third person on the blanket. How he had asked his mother before every meal if she was sure that none of Nursey’s allergens had made their way into the food. As Dex fills up the tank, Nursey replays the just-ended conversation in his head.

Dex thought it was obvious that he had a crush on someone. He knows that the someone isn’t straight. He had called Nursey first. He trusted Nursey enough to talk to him about coming out, had forgotten that he had never told Nursey his secret. He hadn’t missed another Skype session. He had answered every one of Nursey’s texts. He had driven down to New York, hours and hours out of his way, to pick up Nursey and bring him to Samwell.

Derek Nurse, Nursey concludes, was and is an idiot. 

Dex climbs back into the driver’s seat, steadfastly refusing to look at Nursey. As they drive out of the gas station, Nursey tries to think about how to begin the conversation, but for all the words he has put down on paper for himself, for others, and for professors, nothing comes to mind. 

“So, did you figure it out?” Dex asks quietly, like he is afraid of the answer.

“Yeah,” Nursey replies after a moment, and his voice is hoarse. He clears his throat and tries again. “Yeah, I think so.” Dex hums, and Nursey glances over at him. Dex’s shoulders and arms are completely tensed up, but his face is carefully neutral. Nursey wonders if this is why his teammates never take his “chill” seriously anymore, if this is how he really looks when he puts on the act. But he isn’t chill now, hasn’t been for a while when it comes to his defensive partner, and doesn’t want to be anymore.

“Hey Dex,” he begins, and Dex glances at him. “Uh, how about we, uh, wait on going mattress shopping? I have a lot of unpacking to do tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll have time to go.”

Dex blinks, once, twice, and slowly a grin starts to form and his body loses some of its tension. He looks over at Nursey, who finds himself smiling in a way that he hasn’t in awhile. 

“Yeah, I have a lot to do too,” Dex replies. “Got some things I want to take care of.”

“Time-sensitive stuff?” Nursey asks, voice trembling. Dex laughs softly, and takes his right hand off of the steering wheel.

“Yeah. Time-sensitive,” he says, and reaches over to slip his fingers between Nursey’s. Nursey squeezes Dex’s hand, and gets a happy smile in return. Nursey melts.

“I’m just warning you, I love to cuddle and you won’t be able to escape me now,” he says.

“I am very okay with that,” Dex laughs. “Dinner and then cuddles?”

“Dinner, pie, and then cuddles,” Nursey amends, and Dex nods. “God, why can’t it be midnight already, I just want to go to sleep,” he whines, and Dex brings Nursey’s hand up to his mouth to press laughter-broken kisses to his knuckles.

**Author's Note:**

> MASSIVE thanks to @dexnurseyheadcanons for beta'ing this, and to everyone who offered!
> 
> Note about Dex's coming out: this pretty much reflects what happened when I came out to my dad. I am so fortunate that I didn't have the worry about whether or not I could stay at home, and that my biggest fear was losing my dad's respect. Everything is totally fine, and it will be for Dex too.
> 
> Thanks again for reading! I hope the sequence of events made sense. Please leave a comment if you liked it! And give suggestions for future writings as well.
> 
> Come talk at chirpingisflirting!


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